John Hoefer

On February 10th, 2014, my grandma, Ann Hoefer, passed away after a courageous battle with cancer. From that moment, the grief and sorrow immediately started for my grandpa, John Hoefer. This has been a difficult journey that has affected our entire family greatly, especially my grandpa because it is hard to understand the loss of a relationship that began decades before. It is because of my grandpa’s strength through this extremely difficult time that my grandpa, John Hoefer, is my hero.

Ann Hoefer was born in 1951, and grew up in St. Joseph, Missouri. She met my grandfather in high school and got married at age 19. My grandma fought against stage 4 ovarian cancer. Not a day goes by since February 10th that John or anyone doesn’t think of her. “Her image is kept up by pictures, and through communication. We always talk about her, I have had many conversations with my dad about memories. I always think about how my mom would have taken things or what she would have done,” said the oldest son, Bryan Hoefer. Ann having cancer affected about anyone and everyone. “Her having cancer affected me in many ways; it brought great frustration, worry, helplessness, anger, faith, and hope. My dream was for it all to just go away,” said husband John. Personally, it affected me tremendously too. I spent many days and weeks at my grandma and grandpa’s house. I knew that my grandma had cancer but I believed that she beat it. Until one night when they sat us down to tell me and my brother. I thought nothing of cancer coming back, especially 18 months after beating it. But it came back. I asked my grandpa what he thought of cancer coming back and he said admitted the prognosis wasn’t good. But he was also hopeful and believed that “miracles do happen.” He also quotes that it was harder the second time because “it came back with a vengeance. We thought she had it beat the first time. To come back was unbelievable.”

After many long and trying nights and a year of fighting and battling, Ann passed away. The world had felt like it stopped for everyone in our family. It got darker and duller. “After my mom passed away I felt horrible, I always used to think as a kid, ‘What would I do if my parents died.’ I was more upset when I knew she only had 3 months to live. She wasn’t in pain whenever she did die. There was no hope left when she did only have 3 months,” said Bryan. John Hoefer says, “I miss her every day, I love her with my whole heart and soul, and so very thankful to have her in my life for 42 years, 11 months and 15 days. She has given me the strength to move forward in my life, to show me what is most important. Family and friends. I used the help of my two sons, two daughters-in-law, and 6 grandchildren.” After Ann passing away, John had two goals. One was to show his family regardless of what happens in your life that you can get through it. The other was to be able to talk about the good time with her and be able to smile, instead of cry; he says that sometimes that is still hard. “For trying to improve, a number of things happened. Number one was that my mother came to live with me for two summers. She thought I needed taking care of. And you know what I did? I got to know my mother like I never knew, we talked about anything and everything, I am so blessed for that time with her. Number two was that I went and saw a grief counselor for nine months, her way of dealing with it head-on. Some sessions were brutal, good thing she had a steady supply of tissues. The other thing I did was start to talk to Patty. I started talking to her in October of 2015. Her husband passed in April of 2014; we were going through the same thing. A lot of tears were shed.” John also got involved in a lot of things. He joined a hospice group for people going through things like him. He also brought his love for kayaking. He completed a 340-mile kayak race in remembrance for Ann, along with his youngest son Aaron and wife Angie. 

A new love had started to begin, but John did not forget Ann. Working at the same company and having a mutual best friend connected Patty and John. Patty and John shared a beautiful marriage, married on June 9, 2018. Together the couple shares beautiful memories and travel. Traveling makes them both so happy. Throughout their marriage, they never fear to mention Ann or Patty's late husband Pat who had also passed away. They often share memories of their last spouses. “Patty changed my mindset because she knew what I was going through. Losing a spouse is like losing a part of yourself. Your whole life is absorbed with this person. And then they are gone, she gets it, she understands. Unless you go through it, it’s hard to explain. They say divorce is like it but the person is still here,” says John. Patty before remarriage had lived in Oregon, so there was a lot of back and forth from Missouri to Oregon. In the end, when they did get married, they knew that everything was going to be okay. 

Son Bryan Hoefer says that he believes his dad is a hero. “He served the country for 20 years, his family was always first and he always tries his best. He always came to my football games and was always supportive.” He has always looked up to his dad because “ I always think what would he do? After getting mad I would always think, ‘Dad wouldn’t get mad like that.' He has always been very genuine, kind, and truthful. He’s also always been someone I have strived to be like.” I asked my grandpa if he thought that he was a hero, and his response was this. “ I don’t think I am. I have had a blessed life, I had a good home growing up, my family was on the poor side but we always had something to eat. In high school I met this lovely lady who gave me a wonderful life and two pretty awesome sons, they in return have provided me with six lovely, intelligent, and bright grandchildren. After a very tough road, I met another lovely young lady to spend the rest of our days together. I have attempted to do what I need to do to keep the family together and to honor your grandmother’s memories. I am very very blessed and humble.” To me though, everything he just said explained a hero. He made most of what he had, he is appreciative; he appreciates everything given to him, he extremely compassionate about his family, he did not let the bumpy or tough road stop him, and he is very thankful even of the rough spots. With this, I believe my grandpa John Hoefer is my hero. And will forever be the person I look up to.