Stars in My Pocket

by Abbey Chez, 16

When I was five, I wandered 

Through a luscious forest of endless time

I did not need to count the minutes

For there was no destination, only the sunlit journey

To my beautiful treehouse

In it, my calendar was filled 

With painting strawberries and scarlet roses on my porch easel 

Riding my bike down a new street in my neighborhood 

Was all the adventure I needed

Besides chasing lizards with my dog Ellie

And watching tales where 

A girl could navigate her way with a compass of stars 

By knowing the flight paths of certain birds,

the way the ocean swelled,

cloud reflections and the color of the sky 

Back then, my life was sunlit

For I had only embarked on vicarious adventures

Not my own

The thing is, embarking upon your own adventure means

Going on a quest and losing your compass

So that you can find your way home

I didn’t know that then, and so…

I thought each time I lost my compass I was losing my dreams and my way 

When really, I was learning how to redraw my map so I could find out

Who I was and what I could do in this world

The first time I lost my compass was

when Mom called me to say

She was staying at a friend’s house

As she had just had surgery 

to have a shadow removed

It had never even occurred to me

That the sun could rise without my mother in it

She was my Polaris

And that is when fear closed around my heart like a dark box

So that is when I found someone with whom to speak to share the darkness

And the darkness turned to hope

The second time I lost my compass was

in middle school, when I thought 

I needed to be more than I was

To fit the concept of being a big kid now

Only I didn’t know what “more” was

Only that I was not enough

Which shrank my courage into a raisin

It wasn’t until I found light in new friendships

That my raisin bloomed into a plum

The third time I lost my compass was

when I started high school 

The new guppie in an ocean of strangers

There was no Dory to guide me; only myself

I thought in order to find my school of fish

I would need to be the best “swimmer in the sea”

I felt I needed to change myself…but to what?

I didn’t know that there was power in being myself

Because there is only one me

The fourth time I lost my compass was

when my whole world crumbled to ash

When darkness ate the light

When four hospital walls became my home

My normal daily routine became a checklist of procedures and 

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were nine 

medications in spoons of cherry Jell-o

Sunsets marked the start of cold restless nights

And sunrises meant deserts of searing uncertainty

Life turned into the tepid sourdough that was plonked 

onto every ashen hospital tray

How could I learn to live in a body that had failed me?

But it was the only one I had

Would those endless hospital days cause me to lose my light…?

When I returned home for two months of recovery

My loneliness led to despair, yet each day strength gave me a way out

It was then I found the importance of tackling my challenges with hope

I searched for the little things that brought me life

Those I surrounded myself with, the music that filled my soul

It was these little moments that made me chase the sunset

I would drive into the distance imagining 

I would find myself somewhere along the way

And even though I would end up back home without all the answers

It was the sight of the ocean, sun, and sound of music that gave me more clarity

To keep persevering to hold onto my stars

I was once a dream chaser

Now I’m a reality accepter

I was once an astronaut who handpicked her stars

Now my dreams have shrunk to the letters on my report card

Who knew change could be your biggest enemy

Which makes me wonder: how do we ensure change always means growth?

But then I stepped back and realized

Because of all the times I had lost my North Star

I had grown into a bigger one

A star who could fight the darkness 

to not only rewrite my own story

But others’ stories as well

From being born with a broken heart

I had learned to mend others’ hearts

From losing all hope

I learned to live with courage

And so I wrote you this

So that as you struggle in the trenches with your own heroic quest

You will know you have stars in your pocket

And that it is through helping others find their way even when you feel lost yourself

That you will become Polaris