Tommy

       When I graduated 8^th grade, I knew my life would be completely different. I would be entering a whole new world filled with new friends, teachers, classes and most importantly boys.  Mom decided that it'll be best that I didn't go to the neighborhood high school because she wanted me to meet new people, so I applied to several other high schools.  I got accepted to Ridgewood High, where Tommy, my older brother goes, which was about a mile away from our house.  During the first day of high school, I realized that this was a stepping stone to living a new life. I could be someone completely different than I was in middle school. Mom would want me to be myself but I figure that being me is not so interesting.

               Everything seemed perfect and exciting. I was ready for anything that would come my way. But, a month into my first year of high school mom and dad decided to get a divorce.  I kind of saw it coming. Mom and dad had been strangely arguing way before I started high school.  They tried to keep everything hushed so Tommy and I wouldn't worry.  

               But when it was most quiet in the house, I often wondered if they knew that I could hear them; all of the loud banging, dishes clattering on the wooden floors, and fists slamming against the white walls. Or if they knew that as I lied in bed, I could hear them in the next room. I could hear her screaming at him as he beat her and yelled negative words to her. They never knew I heard it all.  Honestly, I never thought my dad was the abusive type.  He's this large dude, a cuddly bear. He brings mom and me flowers and occasionally takes Tommy out to eat or catch an action impacted movie. It didn't dawn on me that maybe he was trying to suck up to us or maybe he was trying to cover up the abuse. Who knew that the same hands that would caress my head and put me to sleep, were the hands that slapped my mom unconscious.

               I don't think Tommy knew about dad and his hands. Tommy was hardly ever home. He spent his evenings in tutoring trying to graduate high school. When he wasn't at school, he was working at Mike's Burger Shack trying to save money for college.  On the weekends though, he was home and dad was always gone. Tommy would be in his cluttered room, lying on a pile of clothes made as a comfy seat, his legs would be spread wide opened as he played video games and he would yell every five minutes that he just shot a zombie in the face or in the eyes. It was his routine.  He never noticed the bruises on mom's body because mom was constantly covered from head to toe. It didn't matter if it was hot outside, mom preferred to handle the heat than the shame of her bruised body. My relationship with Tommy was unique though. Sometimes I would be in his room trying to disregard the awful stench of old worn socks and sweat, just talking to him about my day. Mom and dad had their own issues to attend to.  Sometimes I would invite Tommy to the mall, mostly because he had a car and I didn't feel like taking the bus out there. But he would always agree to come because he enjoyed scoping out the girls particularly Wendy Richards.  Wendy was 17 years old, a year younger than he was which was perfect for him because he loved younger women.

               "Look at her! Her face, lips, eyes, nose, body. Even her hair smells good," he said one time.

               "How do you know that?" I asked.

               "How do I know what?"

               "How do you know that her hair smells good? You don't even get close enough for her to acknowledge you. She hasn't even noticed you Tommy."

               "She has. She's playing it cool. I know how you girls think."

               "Oh, do you?"

               "Yup. She's just waiting for me to talk to her. Any moment now."

               "Have I ever told you that you make no sense?"

               Tommy giggled a bit. Wendy went to school with us. She also worked at a small candle company right dab in the middle of the mall. That was the first place we would visit before actually going into different stores. He HAD to see the girl. I have to admit, she was pretty. She had long thick brown hair and petite body. Everything about her was small and petite. She didn't look lanky or uncomfortable in her body, she looked content. 

               "I'm gonna talk to her," Tommy finally said after staring at her from afar.

               "Are you serious?" I asked, but before I could turn to him, he was already halfway to her direction.

               "Uh," he said.

               "Uh?" Wendy replied.

               I wanted to bust out laughing. I stayed close by near the next stand full of purses. And old man kept staring at me. He had broad shoulders and was light, almost ghost-like. I'm not sure if he thought I was trying to steal some of the purses he was selling.

               Tommy cleared his throat. "Umm, hi. My name is Thomas, but a lot of people just call me Tommy. We go to school together."

               "Hi, I'm Wendy. Oh wait, you go to Ridgewood too?"

               "Yeah!" Tommy said a bit too excited. His eyes were large now.

               "That school sucks! I can't wait till I graduate."

               "Oh, yeah, me too." Tommy replied.

               She laughed a little.

               I leaned in between two large black purses to try and see his reaction but someone pulled my arm.

               "Excuse me young lady," a voice crept up behind me.

               I turned to see that it was the old man.

               "Are you planning on buying any of these purses?"           

               "Umm, honestly no. I'm just looking around."

               The man looked a bit confused.  "I'm only interested in customer's that are going to buy something."

               I ignored the man and turned to see Tommy who was already walking towards me.

               "Thank you for your time," I said sarcastically and walked away.

               "So.."

               "So.?"

               "Soo.what happened?"

               "You're talking to a man with a date for tomorrow night."

               "Wow! Way to go. I didn't think you had it in you," I said.

               "Very funny, Lily," Tommy said.

               After that day, they seemed inseparable and soon became an item.  They went out often and sometimes she would come over to the house to watch movies with us. It was good company and it took away from hearing dad's fists slam constantly against mom's small body.  Sometimes when I heard them argue, I wondered what made mom finally say enough is enough. Why now? I guess some people have to experience the pain before finally saying they can't handle it.

               It wasn't until a few months after mom told dad that she wanted a divorce, that dad decided to call a family meeting. Family meetings were very rare in our family. We only had them when something crucial and life changing would occur. Tommy and I both knew what the meeting was about. Dad sat us down in the living room couch and told us that he had something important to tell us. Mom joined the room and sat across from us on the floor, dad next to her.

               "Your mom and I have some important news that will change the structure of this family a bit. We don't want to keep this from you guys," he said his eyes staring directly at the wooden floor.  "I'm sure you guys have noticed that your mom and I have been arguing quite a lot and we've realized that we can't seem to agree on anything nowadays.  Never in a million years did I think that I would become this man. When I was younger, I would see my dad beat my mom with brooms and thick branches from outside; he hit her with anything he could find. I promised myself that I would never do that to anyone, especially my wife. I've become the man I hated. My hands are supposed to bring comfort not destruction.  So, we have decided to take a little break and really try and work things out. We are separating because we need a breather. This doesn't change anything between you and our relationship with you. We love you both dearly and want the best for you two. I just need help. I need something."

               I looked over at Tommy who stared aimlessly at dad whose eyes were still darted to the floor. Mom fiddled with her fingers and tried not to shed a tear while all along I tried to be at peace at the soon to be separation process. Mom kept quiet and wouldn't say a single word even after the family meeting. Dad ended with "I'm sorry," and gave us a hug and kiss as he made his way out the door. I glanced at Tommy and noticed tears build up in his eye. Within a few moments he stood up leaving mom and I behind and made his way into his room where he would stay in for the rest of the night.

                A few days after the family meeting dad decided to show his face less and less so that we can get used to the idea of him being away often. Tommy hardly spoke to anyone and I just kept myself busy watching the neighborhood kids run around and play in Wipow Road.  Mom was also quiet for a few days. She didn't cry, didn't laugh, didn't smile nor frown. She stood silent and I was worried at what she could possibly be thinking of.

               I tried talking to Tommy a few times but he would walk right past me.  "Leave me alone," he mumbled. 

               "Let's talk."

               "No, not now. Just leave me alone Lily."

               I did just that and left him alone until one night. I woke from a bad dream and stormed into Tommy's room.

               "Oh, you're still alive!" I said.

               "What?" Tommy said opening his eyes. Everything was dark.

               "You're still alive!" I repeated.

               "Of course I am!"

               "I had a night mare," I said. I was full of sweat and panting in fear.

               "What happened?" he said turning on the lamp. The light hurt both of our eyes and took a few seconds to adjust. He kept his eyes covered behind his hands.

               "I dreamt that you died."

               "I died? Really?"

               "Yeah."

               "It's okay. It was just a dream. I wouldn't leave you!"

               Hearing those words made me feel comfort that I hadn't felt in so long. I ran to his bed and hugged him tight. I stayed in his room that night and slept next to him.  The next morning, I woke up and Tommy was gone. It was a Saturday so I knew he wasn't in school or work. He was probably with Wendy or in the kitchen eating. I walked into my bedroom and noticed a piece of paper taped to my bed sheets. Confused, I opened it.

               Lily,

               I'm going out for a little drive. I need a breather.  I don't want to speak nor see anyone right now. If mom and dad ask where I went, just give them this note. I'm not trying to hide anything; I just need to get a way for a little while. Help mom clean around the house today, ok? Be good. I'll be home later.

I love you, always.

Tommy.

               I held the note tightly in my hands and went to the kitchen to do as Tommy suggested and helped mom clean. 

               "Eat breakfast!" Mom yelled at me as soon as I entered the kitchen.

               "But I'm gonna help you clean!" I said while I noticed mom already washing the dishes.

               "No, I want you to eat before your dad takes you to the movies."

               "We're going to the movies?"

               "You and your father are."

               "Oh," I sighed and grabbed the box of Lucky Charms and sat on the kitchen chair.

               Just then the doorbell rang. Mom and I looked at each other strangely because no one ever rings the doorbell so early in the morning.

               "Maybe it's dad," I said.

               "No, I just spoke to him. He was getting ready. The hotel is about 5 blocks away."

               "Hello. I am Officer Padgett from district 9 is this..." a tall dark man's voice trailed off as he shuffled through some papers he held. "Is this the home of Thomas Renald?" he asked staring at my mother while she opened the front door.

               "Hello. Yes, yes it is," mom responded a bit hesitant. "I am his mother. Is there something I can do for you officer?"

               The man looked at me while I sat by the kitchen table that was directly in front of the door. I couldn't leave the room until the bowl of Lucky Charms, now drenched in milk, was finished. I smiled at the tall man but he frowned and glanced over to mom.

               "Well Mrs. Renald I'm so sorry, but I have some terrible news. Your son, Thomas, had just gotten into a severe car accident," he said slowly.

               Mom interrupted him. "Where is he? Is he okay? How many times did I tell him to be careful when he drives!" she said raising her hands.

               "No ma'am. I'm so sorry, but your son died instantly. The pressure from the collision was too intense. We've recorded that he tried to speed in front of a slower car and being an inexperienced driver, he didn't notice how close he was while passing the car and was rear ended which caused him to spin unto oncoming traffic," he explained putting his head down. I could tell he didn't like this part of his job.

               "But..." I could hear mom's voice quiver.

               "I'm so sorry," Officer Padgett said.

                No one spoke.  Mom walked over to the unwashed dishes. She turned the faucet back on and watched the water disappear where she knew it traveled down the pipes. She imagined Tommy being the water. One minute he was there, the next he was gone.  Officer Padgett continued to watch mom. I looked down at the soggy cereal and with the spoon began to twirl the different marshmallow shapes in circles.

               "Mrs. Renald?"  Officer Padgett's voice seeped through the stillness.

               "Yes?" mom answered still staring aimlessly at the kitchen sink next to me. The water hitting the sink made me clench the spoon tighter and tighter.

               "I'm really sorry for your loss, Mrs. Renald."

               I looked over at mom who had her eyes shut. I could see streams of tears dripped down her cheeks while she allowed officer Padgett's voice soothe her for a mere moment.

               "Thank you," she finally uttered.

               Officer Padgett nodded his head and left the house shutting the front door softly. The room stood silent once more. I hardly moved not wanting to awkwardly break the silence knowing mom needed to cope.  I've only seen death within families in dramatic television shows or movies. I never really thought it would happen for real. Such cruelty made my stomach churn while I observed mom stare at the sink.

               I didn't know what to do or what to think. My brother just died and there was nothing that I could do about it. Another doorbell startled the both of us. Mom wiped her tears and opened the front door again prepared for any other negative news.

               "George!" mom suddenly yelled making me jump slightly in my seat to take a quick spoonful of cereal hoping she noticed my progression.

               "What is it?" he sighed. "Wait." he continued staring at mom. "What. what's wrong?

               Mom began to cry hysterically filling the room with sobs. "It's Tommy," she finally yelled.

               "Tommy? Where is he?"

               "He's nowhere."

               "Nowhere?" dad started to get upset, his face stern and concerned. 

               "He's, he's gone. He's dead!" she sputtered with a loss of breath.

               "Tommy?" he slowly asked falling to his knees. "How do you know? He can't! I just spoke to him. He was driving, on his way home," he said staring up to mom.

               Mom turned around from staring at the sink to see her husband on his knees on the floor.

               "He got into a car accident. An officer just came by a few minutes ago. He said that Tommy died instantly from a collision. Tommy was speeding," mom said.

               Dad paused a moment and tears began to build up in his eyes. He tried to hold back the tears but soon he laid face down on the wooden floors and let out a deep cry. Mom sat next to dad and held her hands over her face. There was such a rhythm with their cries and I began to realize that my older brother was really gone and this was a mistake that could not be fixed. Tommy was gone now.

               Immediately mom and dad went to the hospital were Tommy was kept.

               As much as I begged, pleaded and cried, I wasn't allowed to see the body. 

               "Tommy doesn't look like Tommy," mom said, her face filled with tears after she seen him.

               I didn't care. I wanted to see my brother.

               Mom and dad agreed on a closed casket for the wake and funeral. They couldn't stand to see Tommy's distorted face and body. Mom said that you could hardly tell he was human. He looked like pieces of meat cut up.

               "How did he get that way?" I asked.

               "He was crushed," was all dad could say.  

               I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and bring Tommy back to life!

               The next day, Tommy was all over the newspapers.

RICHMOND, Wipow Road -- A young man was killed Saturday morning after he was speeding on state Road 142 Highway. 

The Highway Patrol said Thomas George Renald, 18, of Lewiston, Cache County, was in a hurry and tried to speed in front of a slower car. He tried to regain control of the car but rear ended the car and swerved onto oncoming traffic, troopers said.

Renald was partially ejected when the car struck head on to oncoming traffic.  He died at the scene. Surrounding family members of Renald mourn their loss and are gathering Monday at 7pm for the Wake and Funeral to say their last goodbyes.

               I sighed at the different articles that had Tommy's face spread across them. He was just here comforting me from the horrible nightmare I had. He said he wouldn't leave me alone but the dream was so true. I wished I could just wake up and laugh about this later. The day went by pretty quickly. Mom and dad worked today, as a team, for the first time in a long time. They didn't argue or disagree. They worked on things for the wake and funeral.

                Everything seemed to move so fast. Mom and I got to the church early the next day to prepare and the priest along with dad met us there. The priest prayed for us and told us that we were a very strong family and that God will bless us. Mom didn't believe him but I smiled occasionally at the priest hoping she didn't offend him. People began to arrive and within an hour Tommy's body was laid out in a casket in the center of the altar. Even though it was daylight, the stained glass windows all around the church that revealed an image of Jesus pointing towards a large wooden cross, seemed to block all the light from entering the room. The church was dark with minimal light coming from small candles that were lit around Tommy's casket. People started coming into the church building to converse and speak positively about Tommy. Tommy's girlfriend was crying the whole time. She sat next to me in the front row. We were about to begin. Mom sat to my right and dad sat to her right. They held hands, tightly. White marks from indentations and lack of blood flow was revealed on my dad's hand while mom held him with all her might.  She held the hands that once beat her.

               "Lily," a voice echoed in my ear.

               "Lily," it said again.

               I looked at the priest who held the microphone out to me. I was called to speak first. Instantly my body rose and I walked, almost marching up the several steps to the main altar.  I took hold of the mike, my hands shaking, my heart beating heavily causing my body to quiver. I could hardly breathe, as if I have been running for miles. I took a deep breath and stared at the many unfamiliar faces. Some were old and others young. Later I'd come to find out that they were friends, teachers, employers and long-lost family members that we hadn't seen in years. There were easily over 100 people and that made mom even more nervous as she fidgeted and moved often in her seat.

               I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. My dry mouth felt empty, old and rusty. After taking a quick glance at mom, I finally had the courage to speak up.

               While I spoke, I glanced around the room and noticed Aunt Jackie take off her black blazer and slowly Cousin John takes off his jacket and even his kids Anne and Margie make paper fans out of the 'thank you' letters I had written and passed out.  It was abnormally hot in the room. I looked over at Tommy's body. It stood frozen, unfamiliar, that wasn't my brother. It looked nothing like him. The body was hard almost like stone and seemed to rot right before my eyes. As I spoke I would glance at the large crowd of family and friends and then at Tommy's body. At some point, I'd imagine sweat dripping from his head, but I'd remind myself that he's gone.

               Mid-way into my speech I stopped looking at my notes and decided to just flow. The humidity in the room reminded me of when Tommy and I would play basketball and within a few seconds, I would have already shared the story with everyone, having the room burst in laughter and tears of joy. Everyone was smiling except mom. Mom's eyes were still darted to the marble floor. From the pulpit she looked small and innocent. Everyone looked small and I felt important.  I could see and hear everything. "It's no wonder priests call me out when I text during church," I think to myself. From way up here, I could even hear mom's nails pick at each other like a fight between her fingers.

               After my speech I sat down and fiddled with my hand. The altar was now empty. The room was silent and only the sounds of the cars outside were heard. The priest slowly began to make his way up the steps towards the center of the altar in front of the podium.  Mom's right leg began to move up and down. I remember her telling me to prepare a speech because she couldn't handle getting up there and speaking.  But as I continued staring down my lap and my eyes shifted to see mom next to me, I imagined her walking up the steps to the altar to speak. And that's exactly what she did.  Her hands shook a bit and instantly she rose up before the priest closed in prayer.

               All eyes were on mom while her black laced dress flowed down her small breasts and hung on her slim waist. I looked up and noticed her flushed face. She was light skinned, but even more so right now. Her usual bright red cheeks were no longer visible. Specks of tears dripped down her face. She walked as though she was mesmerized or hypnotized as if she was being controlled by some higher power. Her face was hardened and it seemed that if she were to laugh it would crack into pieces. Her lips held tightly closed together and teeth clenched. I hesitated a bit wondering if I should do something. I looked at dad whose eyes filled with tears. Tissue boxes were being passed around and a large black garbage bag full of empty tissue boxes lied in the back of the church. My body trembled in fear, worried at what mom was bound to do. She climbed up the three steps and made her way towards the glass podium. The priest escorted himself back down to his seat near me.  The room was dry and silent only sounds of crying aunts and uncles roamed across the room- some sniffles.  Mom faced the crowd and stood there for what seemed to be hours but only ended up being a few minutes. Some people continued glaring at her like a staring contest. Others lowered their heads in sympathy ashamed to look at her. Mom cleared her throat a bit and the sound echoed through the room. She bit her lower lip- something she did when she was nervous.

               "Tommy's life is a demonstration and an example to many young people that are around his age. His presence is missed at the house and I never go a day, an hour, a minute or a second without thinking about him and wishing that this was all a dream and that I would wake up and laugh about this later. But, there's nothing to laugh about. Tommy is gone to a better place and while he is in Heaven looking down on us, I will remember his sweet and humble character that is present in every one of us. We carry a part of him. We carry memories that he has left behind. That's something that keeps pulling me through is that he isn't gone, he's still here in the midst of us. He's still here cracking jokes with Noah over there and making fun of old wigs with Marleny. Right Marleny?" she asked pointing her mike to a skinny girl in the front row who was now blushing, beaming in red. "There's a piece of him that lingers on and that gives me a lot of comfort knowing that," she continued.

               I smiled and nodded while mom kept glaring at me.

               "You see, there are some of us that hold him dear to our hearts. He was a part of our everyday living. Now when something is different from what we are used to seeing every day, it feels strange. That's how it feels right now. I am almost certain that that's how most of us are feeling. Tommy, your life has impacted me as your mom but also those around you. Your family and friends have also been influenced by your life. This is not a goodbye but a temporarily 'see ya later'. I will see you sometime soon! I will see you again," mom said her voice trailing off while she stepped away from the mike.

               That's when I just couldn't hold it in anymore and my eyes let out tears that consumed my face. I was helpless and I knew how mom felt but I also knew how it felt to learn to move forward and think of the positive things that were done with him. Dad cried like I've never seen him cry before. His body shook and quivered. All he could say was, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."  As mom finally sat back down I felt a sense of relief.  I could tell she was glad to have spoken up and she even cracked a smile afterwards. Mom held dad's hand softer than before. He caressed and kissed her hand.

               When Tommy's body was carried out of the church building, we all watched in silence and I could almost hear Tommy tell me that he loved me. That's when I knew Tommy was there with us and will be forever more.